Tiresias in Hades
I am, in all likelihood, clinically depressed.
I have been affected by this, at various times and in varying degrees, throughout my adult life.
I have been acutely aware of my depression. In many ways, this awarenes seemed to allow me to control the depression. In my arrogance, I believed that I was like Tiresias in Hades: able to maintain my reason where others have lost theirs. As long as I do not descend too far, I am Tiresius. Once I pass a certain point, however, I am a lost soul just like any other.
At least twice in my life, I have passed that point: the depression has become too much to bear, has been beyond my control. During these times I cut myself off from the world, from my family and closest friends. The first time was probably the worst, and I think it taught me a lot about how to deal with the depression. The second episode was terrible, I was able to recognise what was happening, but could not stop it from taking over my life. Towards the end, I managed to speak with a close friend. That alone seemed to help. Nevertheless, it was one of the darkest moments of my life.
The rest of my life has been a series of smaller episodes. The depression arrives and I do my best to fight it. It is exhausting. I am fighting it right now, and I fear that I might be losing the fight. I am exhausted.
I went to the doctor last week for a complaint unrelated to my depression. I brought up the depression, the anxiety and the anger that I have been experiencing over the last month or so. I think this made him nervous. At least he appeared to be nervous when he said that we were in an area that was outside his expertise (or does everyone appear to be nervous when you are depressed?). He said we should see how I got on over the next couple of weeks. I've decided to do this. We'll see how it goes.
This is a final note to anyone who happens upon this blog and reads it: I freely admit that this blog is likely to be everything that I have despised about other blogs. It will be self-pitying. It will be self-centered. It will like be unoriginal and boring. I apologize in advance, and humbly ask that you stop reading if this blog offends you. I need to do this, both to try to make sense of what is happening to me and to start writing again.
